My first occasion to hear the pro-life message, or common sense as I have come to call it, was at the age of sixteen, as I sobbed over the phone to a woman employed by Right to Life. I called in search of revenge, for my girlfriend aborted our child without my knowledge or consent. Young and naive, I wondered what legal options were available.
To this day, I cannot remember which broke me down. My child was dead, but so too was the relationship with my first love. Our love was lost like tear drops in the rain because I could not forgive her. I tried to find that love again, but I never could. And it wasn’t until recently that I realized I could not forgive her because – and this will sound cliché – I could not forgive myself.
Truth is, I wasn’t totally innocent. At first, we both sought to have the child aborted. Her pregnancy scared me so much that I couldn’t face it. I was scared of what her parents would say and do, but so too was I scared of that much responsibility at such a young age. I thought abortion was the best option. But then I changed my mind after long and hard consideration. I eventually opted for life – and so did she. We both agreed that abortion was out of the question.
I picked up as many extra shifts at work as possible. Though still in school, I worked until three, sometimes four, in the morning, to ensure all the child’s needs would be met. I wasn’t supposed to be working that late, but when a locally owned restaurant is paying you under-the-table, labor laws cease to matter. And I was happy because we needed the money – badly.
But it wasn’t every night I worked so late. One night I ventured home around nine and found my girlfriend waiting for me. She had her first OB appointment earlier that day and she wanted to tell me in person that everything was fine. She even told me that she cried tears of joy upon hearing the baby’s heartbeat. I was ecstatic.
Another month went by before I realized something wasn’t quite right. I was no expert in obstetrics, but it occurred to me that my girlfriend had undergone few changes. There was no morning sickness, strange cravings, or any thing remotely resembeling a pregnancy. I pressed her for answers and she explained that not all women have early symptoms. I accepted that – for a while.
Eventually, I pressed her again. This time she told me that the pregnancy test was a false-positive. She knew it the day she went to the OB, but couldn’t bear to tell me just yet. Now, I may have been born at night, but not the previous night. I didn’t accept that answer either, so I pressed her. I pressed her until she cracked. She finally screamed the truth, “I had a f***ing abortion! There! Are you happy! I went to Planned Parenthood with my mom instead of the OB.”
It is often said that one’s life can change in the blink of an eye. I don’t know much about that, but I know it took only ten-seconds for everything I knew to become false and meaningless.
Our relationship ended shortly after that. She went her own way and I went mine. I grew quite fond of the bottle, barely graduated high school, and wound up in jail on more than one occasion. She went to college and was kicked out for possession of drugs, but the girl I knew never did drugs. Years later, I came to realize that Planned Parenthood killed three people that day, not just one.
I read a poem once by Gwendolyn Brooks. She wrote, “I have heard in the voices of the wind the voices of my dim killed children.”
If that were true, I would ask to hear my dead child’s voice. And I would pray that from those heavenly lips would pass the words, “Daddy, I forgive you.”
Right then, I could forgive myself.
Sifting Reality 
Thank you for sharing such a deeply personal and painful story. As difficult as I’m sure it was to dredge up such terrible memories, it’s one that desperately needs to be heard.
It also reminds me of why I get so angry and disgusted when I hear women saying that men have no right to speak about against abortion (they are, of course, free to speak out in favour of it).
Very emotional story.
Kunoichi
These days, it’s much easier to talk about than in the past. The only problem I have with talking about it is that some people may get the wrong impression and accuse me of looking for sympathy. I neither seek nor want sympathy. I wrote this story because I am limited to my own experience. I know firsthand that abortion is a dreadful thing that hurts not only unborn children, but mothers and fathers as well. People need to know this.
Thank you so much for sharing that. I pray that many lives will be saved because you had the courage to speak up. Since you blog here I’m sure you know this, but I must repeat it: This was not an unforgivable sin. The blood of Jesus’ covers it like every other sin if you but trust in him.
Thank you for sharing. These firsthand accounts of the true consequences of abortion are the most powerful.
“Years later, I came to realize that Planned Parenthood killed three people that day, not just one.”
Well said, I’m pro-life because I care for the life of the baby, but also because I’m concerned about the impact on the mothers and fathers.
eMatters & Steven,
My goal with this story is to show young people who may be in this situation that they are not alone. I’ve been there. And I hope they learn from my mistake. I hope they learn that while abortion may relieve them of immediate consequences, it is a dreadful, painful thing in the long-run that they will never forget – and maybe never forgive themselves for.
WOW, Terrance what an extremely brave and intimate thing for you to share.
Psalm 25:7 (NKJV) says : “Do not remember the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions; According to Your mercy remember me, For Your goodness’ sake, O Lord.
I sincerely believe the Lord has forgiven you and all of us for the things we did or didn’t do especially in our youth.
Taking a bigger step back do you have kids and are you a believer in holiness and abstinence before marriage?
zanspence,
I never know what to say to such things. I appreciate the thought, certainly. But still, I never know quite what to say. God may have already forgiven me. I hope so.
Still, though, I’ve not forgiven myself. I may have changed my mind, but in the beginning I was as gung ho for abortion as she was. For that, I should feel ashamed – and I do.
I have four kids. I can’t answer the second part of your question because my opinion on marriage differs greatly from society’s. I don’t think a certificate or license is necessary in order to commit to your lover before God. So I guess my answer to your question really depends on your definition of marriage.
@TerranceH Receiving the simplicity of Ephesians 2 (For it is by grace you have been saved) is the fundamental tenant of our faith and the enemy fights us a lot with it. I pray daily for the basics like believing that God loves me, because it’s not described as a verb but it’s his chief adjective. It’s not that He loves but that He is love. I hope you step into the fullness as His beloved son. It’s not easy transferring from our performance based driven world to the relationship based ways of God, but it is possible.
I wrote a piece a few months ago on “The Church’s Abortion Ministries”. Basically it’s the next step for pro-lifers. It’s comprehensive application beyond the civic/political application of free speech and voting on abortion. :
http://zusings.com/2013/01/24/ladies-and-gentlemen-introducing-the-churchs-abortion-ministries/